Read Between

In between the lines of conversation

that you and I toss back and forth,

there is always one thing to be said.

It doesn’t need to be spoken because

I wear it on my sleeve and shout

it with my eyes. It needs to be

spoken before my sleeves are rolled

up and my eyes close forever.

So in between all the lines of conversation

that you and I pass back and forth,

I want you to know the one thing I am

always saying: I love you.

Advertisements

One thought on “Read Between

  1. This piece has a nice tenderness to it. As though the lines could be said in a whisper, and indeed might carry their strongest meaning in that way. A nice idea you have to work with.

    Two points to consider:
    (1) The word ‘toss’, as it is used, doesn’t quite feel synergistic with the piece. It gives a bit of a haphazard feeling (tossing seems less purposeful and more accident prone compared to other methods of delivery), and seems less tender than the ‘conversations’ seem suggested to be.
    (2) The back and forth from these points —
    “always one thing to be said”
    “doesn’t need to be spoken”
    “It needs to be spoken”
    — sends a bit of a mixed message to me. On a certain level it makes sense, because ‘said’ and ‘spoken’ could be too different things. One doesn’t necessarily have to ‘speak’ of something in order to properly ‘say’ it, which is the main idea this piece seems to revolve around. The concept is behind it, but there could still be some confusion. I don’t really want to advocate changing that, although it is interesting to wonder what an adjustment of “It need not come from my lips, because I wear it on my sleeve and shout it with my eyes,” or something similar, would do to the reading of this piece. Something to further differentiate the different ways of ‘expressing’ something, all while adding minor touches of imagery.
    The more pressing portion, I feel, is the second transition. “It doesn’t need to be spoken…” and then suddenly, “It needs to be spoken”! Again, conceptually I can make sense of it, but the transition isn’t guided along by anything, such as a ‘but’ or ‘however’, and so seems to crop up out of the blue. I don’t really like the idea of a ‘but’ or ‘however’, though, as it would seem to bog down the lines. But perhaps adding something to give a sense of timeline could better set up the seeming reversal. Something maintaining the theme of communication, but implying or describing a passage of time. A bit of imagery or metaphor there could preserve the intrigue and keep the line from standing out.

    Just thoughts of a piece from one reader’s point of view. This is a thoroughly enjoyable concept and I can see it going a long way. The foundation is all here.

Add your voice...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s